‘Vaccine Derby’ not just horsin’ around
- Tom Rife: Livin' the Team
- November 26, 2020
- 767
This is not meant to make light of a grave situation. But it does seem as though the pursuit of a remedy for our COVID-19 dilemma has evolved into quite a competitive battle among researchers and scientists in the medical arena.
It’s almost as if “big pharma” companies worldwide are jockeying for position as they head toward the home stretch, with a lucrative finish line nearly in sight.
With that said, let’s now go trackside for the call of today’s inaugural “Vaccine Derby.” Here’s Wolf:
“Thank you, and welcome everyone, to JACK Thistledown Racino for what promises to be a most historic occasion. This long-awaited, landmark event, though the first of its kind, hopefully will also serve as the last such spectacle in the mission to send COVID to the glue factory once and for all.
“The distance is eight furlongs, just a mile. And the track is sloppy. Let’s gallop through a look at today’s loaded field. There are 12 contenders, and before I introduce you to each horse just now emerging from the paddock, I want to take the opportunity to point out that among the courageous riders today are four women, which is certainly of note. Perhaps you’ll recognize some of the entries and their mounts.
“First on the track is Pfizer, ridden by Tony Fauci and one of the favorites, for sure. His two big challengers are lathered up too: Moderna, with Sanjay Gupta aboard, and AstraZeneca, with Deb Birx donning the colorful silks. All three have proven at least 90% effective in their earlier trial runs.
“Rounding out the top four is Johnson & Johnson, with Vin Gupta up. Before moving on, it should be said that Vin and Sanjay are not related, even though the two boast similar positions professionally, the same fetching looks and mannerisms, and, of course, identical last names.
“Without exception, the rest of the horses in today’s derby have experienced their share of controversy along the way. Remdesivir will be ridden by Mickey Pence and comes in the winner of the Trump Steaks Stakes. Hydroxy was a close second in the Trump, and has Alex Azar handling the reins.
“Aboard Sputnik V today is Moscow Mitch. He’s followed by Clorox, ridden by notorious newcomer B. Leach. For security reasons, the jockey for Second Amendment has not yet been revealed. Wuhan Wonder, with an enigmatic past, has Winnie the Xi Pooh up.
“Wait! The final two hopefuls are now on the track! I know you know them: Ridin’ with Biden (“Momala” Harris in the silks) and Mr. Incumbent (Ruby Julie Annie, rider).
“And there you have it. What a field! Riders up! I hear the bugler playing now, and the horses are going into the gate. Oops, I see they’re having a little trouble with Mr. Incumbent. I guess he obviously doesn’t like being caged in like that.
“And they’re off! What a race! Pfizer breaks early and goes to the rail, with Hydroxy alongside and Clorox in third! Moderna and AstraZeneca are near the rear but already starting to move up as the horses pound toward the quarter pole.
“Sputnik V is hovering near mid-pack, Ridin’ with Biden and Johnson & Johnson holding steady. Second Amendment, the long shot from the start, is tiring, as is Wuhan Wonder. Halfway home now! The virtual crowd is on its feet! Moderna continues to surge. Ridin’ with Biden is flyin’!
“Clorox is fading badly. Oh, the humanity!
“At the three-quarter pole, it’s Pfizer. Moderna and AstraZeneca still on the move. Mr. Incumbent slowing down. Must be bone spurs. Wuhan Wonder has all but disappeared. Sputnik V nearly crashes!
“And down the stretch they come! Moderna now in the lead by a half a length, followed by AstraZeneca and Pfizer, both strong! Harris is cracking the whip and Ridin’ with Biden now fourth!
“Look at that! Unbelievable! Ridin’ with Biden has come all the way to the front, with the finish line in sight. It’s nip-and-tuck for second. And … it’s over! I project “Momala” has made history as the first woman jockey to win the derby! Too close to call for second. Photo finish with Pfizer, AstraZeneca and Moderna. Miraculous! Takes your breath away!
“What happened to Mr. Incumbent? Clorox winds up dead last.
“Hold your horses! Something weird is going on down near the finish line. It looks like Ruby Julie Annie has filed an official protest. She insists Mr. Incumbent has won. Ruby’s now throwing spaghetti at the race stewards and the World Horse Association (WHO) officials. But it’s not sticking. I told you this would be historic!