Borderline no
I just said “no” to someone. No. It was a step. I seriously doubt I’m alone, but it is painful for me to say no. However, I’d often like to. And when I don’t, there are times I wind up wondering how I got myself into my latest predicament. Learning to say “no” when I really do mean no is a freeing, rewarding experience. Too bad I don’t do it more frequently.
It’s only been in the last few years I’ve learned to say n-o. A serial “yes” person, I seemed to delight in the fact that I was stressed out about helping do something, or making a promise to someone that was probably harder for me to keep than for them to have broken. Heaven knows I’ve broken promises and commitments to others when I shamefully shouldn’t have, and usually it was because I said “yes” to something else, unable to turn down what needed to be, well, turned down.
Two things, I’d tell you, drive me to say yes when I mean no: guilt and pride. Tell me you don’t feel that at times. I do. For example, guilt leads me to do something for someone that will be costly to me in time and money, and there are others who can do the job in a more admirable fashion. Guilt sends messages that I should do this, because it’s the right thing to do, according to my guilt. Not my conscience, but my guilt. Have you ever guiltied someone into saying yes? As the yes person, I’m imploring you to stop. Please. And I’m feeling guilty asking you to stop.
Pride tells me I must do this because I can. I must do this so it looks good on my resume and so that people, even though I’ll shrug them off, will pat me on the back for doing something good and righteous. Pride makes me give up time with my family, friends, and myself, so that I can be seen doing something else. In reality, when I do things for pride, I don’t get the reactions I want, or expect, thus the experience not only has robbed me of that emotion, but also my time.
Life is too short to always say yes, when we want to shout “no!” I can’t even begin to count the financial cost of the “yes” times because of guilt or pride. I’m more than happy to contribute whenever I can, to a cause I believe I’m called to support, but have taken it upon myself to go above and beyond when I didn’t have to. The tithing message of giving till it hurts isn’t a bad one; I just didn’t give to the places I wanted to support.
These days, I don’t have the financial means to support much. I pick and choose where I give my gifts of time, talent and money. We all need to do that. Very seldom do Christians give the 10 percent they are called to tithe. I don’t. However, I have learned to make sacrifices and to give out of what I have. Baby steps. Good baby steps.
I know that I’m not alone as a yes person. I can think of at least five friends who meet the criteria. And if I spoke to each of them, I bet they would feel the same way I do about saying no, maybe for the same reasons, or maybe not. Whatever their motivations, I understand the frustration in the complications of saying no, walking away, and getting on with life.
Americans are very good at saying “yes.” When there is a world crisis, we sort of say “yes.” A lot. And I think that’s a commendable noble trait. I don’t think we should just say no. Now I realize I’m qualifying my own beliefs. The can-do spirit of this country, of our own traits and ancestry lead us to say yes. Many of our immigrant predecessors, new in this nation, helped each other out, because they knew no one else would. We’ve carried on that tradition today. That’s good, yes? Yes.
As for me, I applaud the naysayers who believe they have found the key to happiness: saying “yes” to the right things, for the right motives, and not to the ones that cause more problems than solutions. If only I could say “yes” to the same beliefs.