Learn the art of grabbing perfect stocking stuffers
- Tom Rife: Livin' the Team
- December 17, 2020
- 832
What better way to wrap up Christmas shopping than to embark on a hectic, last-ditch search for stocking stuffers?
I prefer to cruise the aisles of my neighborhood dollar store — the one with mostly green decor, the one where one hard-earned greenback will buy anything in the building. After all, money doesn’t grow on trees (hint, hint).
My budget for this mission each year is set in stone: $15 (plus tax). This means I’m guaranteed to depart the premises with enough precious treasures to put smiles on at least 15 faces come Christmas morn.
With only a handful of days remaining before the clock strikes Rudolph, here’s my gotta-find-it-to-stuff-it list for 2020 (all items available at the green dollar store):
In the stocking hung by Cleveland Indians owner Paul Dolan, I vow to stuff a bag of plastic zoo animals. Dolan can place them in a hat, close his eyes, reach in and then pull out one critter that will become the team’s new politically correct mascot. (Here’s hoping he grabs the fruit bat because the Cleveland Fruit Bats would be one frightening baseball team, don’t you think?)
In the stocking hung by University of Michigan President Dr. Mark S. Schlissel, I vow to stuff a bottle of aspirin. Lord knows he has his fair share of headaches, especially the bespectacled chap in khaki pants pretending to be a legendary Big Ten football coach.
In the stocking hung by basketball commentator Charles Barkley, I vow to stuff a wooden spoon, with which he can continue to stir the pot.
In the stocking hung by new U.S. Women’s Open golf champion A Lim Kim, I vow to stuff a pack of those “My name is … ” stick-ons. Outside of Korea, nobody knows who the heck she is.
In the stocking hung by Browns running back Nick Chubb, I vow to stuff a roll of sweet Life Savers to share with Kareem Hunt.
In the stocking hung by pro basketball star LeBron James, I vow to stuff a padlock (to help him secure yet another NBA title).
In the stocking hung by Philadelphia Eagles QB Carson Wentz, I vow to stuff a needle and thread so he can stitch up his tattered career as a starter in the National Football League.
In the stocking hung by Cleveland Fruit Bats shortstop Francisco Lindor, I vow to stuff a large tube of Colgate toothpaste. This should be the ideal gift for Mr. Smile.
In the stocking hung by Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin, I vow to stuff a package of cheese (to go with his whine).
In the stocking hung by red-hot NASCAR champion Chase Elliott, I vow to stuff a Hot Wheels car to go with his smokin’ No. 9 Camaro.
In the stocking hung by Florida Gators head football coach Dan Mullen, I vow to stuff a roll of paper towels. Please clean up that mess left in The Swamp last Saturday.
In the stocking hung by NBA broadcaster Doris Burke, I vow to stuff Sticky Notes. She can post them all over the league to remind everyone she’s still the best darned court-side reporter ever.
In the stocking hung by Cleveland Fruit Bats manager Terry Francona, I vow to stuff peanuts and Cracker Jacks, of course. “Take me out to the ball game.”
In the stocking hung by ESPN loudmouth talk show host Stephen A. Smith, I vow to stuff a plunger. For obvious reasons, a gift he’s sure to use every day.
In the stocking hung by the Browns’ beloved radio play-by-play man Jim Donovan, I vow to stuff a Slim Jim, what else?
Wallet empty. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good stocking.