Asking for a raise
- Michelle Wood: SWCD
- January 4, 2010
- 810
Wife. As a wife, I have learned to live with another human being in harmony. To adapt to his unique personality traits and communicate in a way that he understands. I have learned to watch college football and appear to care who scores a touchdown and who intercepts a pass. And I even know which teams to cheer for.
I have cooked more than 365 breakfasts, lunches and dinners, minus the occasional supper out or take-out ordered in. I know to leave the mushrooms to the side, cook the onions in butter until they are soft and yellow and never put peppers or tomato chunks in anything.
As a wife to Mike, I know that the week after Thanksgiving is meant for deer hunting and that New Year’s Day is meant for football bowl games, though I would be hard-pressed to tell you who is playing in what bowl game or what the bowl games mean.
Mom. I have been a mom for almost 15 years, but in the last year, I have learned how to mother one teen, two tweens and a seven-year-old who thinks she is double that age. I have combated rolled eyes, sarcastic voice tones and wet shower towels on bedroom floors.
I have worked hard to teach my children that the laundry hamper in the bathroom does not work through osmosis - that they need to place their dirty clothes in the hamper, not just in the vicinity of the hamper.
In fact, I have created a brand new clothing program I like to call “The Clean Clothes Campaign.” Through this program, I am teaching my children that an outfit worn for five minutes, and then discarded in lieu of a better outfit, is not actually dirty and does not belong in the hamper. Folding and putting away said outfit is worth bonus points. This program also includes the jeans-can-be-worn-twice-before-laundering-them extra credit opportunity as well as the how-to-fold-a-T-shirt bonus.
As a mom, I know how to sit through a basketball game and not embarrass my daughter by yelling something like “Take it to the hoop!” Well, sometimes I guess I forget about that.
I have studied more about the state of Ohio, the Indian tribes of North America and the Civil War than I ever did when I was in school myself. I passed the Big Foot Challenge four times over, have mastered the one-minute math speed test and am learning that my cursive handwriting is all wrong.
I can unplug a toilet in less than two minutes, clean the hair clump out of the shower drain without getting nauseous and know if someone has a fever by simply touching their forehead with my lips in a mommy-kiss that seems to reduce the fever like magic.
So, with all of these extraordinary skills, I believe I deserve a raise and promotion. Maybe I could be promoted to Mom Regional Manager or Vice President of Wifedom. I could ask for my salary to be doubled.
Then again, two times zero is still zero. I learned that in first grade math last week.
I guess the most important jobs are not the jobs we are not compensated for in dollars and cents, but in love and respect. But I don’t think the bank will cash that check.
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