Before I even get to the second sentence of this column, let me apologize.
I didnt do anything wrong. I havent had characters ample enough to offend. Still, Im sorry.
Why?
I have no idea. It just seems that lately, our society wants – no, DEMANDS – an apology.
Recently, an acquaintance came to me to point out I had offended her.
From what I could tell, it seemed she and I understood a situation from completely different angles. What she had taken as a slight was just an off-hand comment.
I didnt mean to offend her. Further, I failed to see how she could have taken the comment in any way except for that which it was intended – an off-hand comment.
When she was done, she stood looking at me for what seemed like an eternity.
Then it dawned on me: she was waiting for an apology.
After a pause, I offered, Im sorry you misunderstood what I said or how it was intended.
Later I was recounting the happening to a friend, who asked why I had apologized if I really felt Id done nothing wrong.
I didnt apologize for what I said, I corrected. I said I was sorry she had been offended.
I wasnt sorry. Perplexed, perhaps. Not sorry.
Then the whole thing started rolling around in my head. Why would you want an apology from someone who really wasnt sorry?
It seems in these days there is no such thing as a heartfelt apology. Like the term unconditional love, I have always labored under the assumption that any apology that isnt heartfelt isnt really an apology, after all.
Yet our society seems obsessed with the apology or with demanding one. After the recent Academy Awards, it seemed everyone wanted an apology from host Seth MacFarlane (for, I am assuming, basically being Seth MacFarlane). A few days after the awards, Joan Rivers made a Holocaust allusion in a joke about Heidi Klums dress. Instantly, Jewish organizations demanded an apology. Rivers, who is Jewish, declined to offer one.
And in Washington, D.C., it seems everyone wants an apology from everyone else. People are even demanding apologies for the insufficient previous apology from someone who probably didnt want to apologize in the first place.
No wonder nothing gets done.
All of this kind of reminds me of being a child, doing something a child would do and then being told by Mom or Dad to go tell the offended person (often a sibling), Im sorry.
Yes, that was heartfelt. It usually went something like this: Im SOR-ry. Can I go now?
Im not in favor of apologizing, unless I have realized the error of my way and am truly repentant. At the same time, I am in favor of not asking for an apology. Frankly, if you have to ask, do you really think its going to be genuine?
I remember sitting through court cases during my reporting days. By sentencing time, the offender would almost always apologize, usually with completely flat affect.
This is how I translated it in my head: Your Honor. Im terribly sorry I got caught. Im really sorry I couldnt get a better defense attorney. Im pretty sure if I apologize, youll smile favorably upon me.
In other words, Im not particularly sorry I did it.
You call that an apology? Was Lance Armstrong sorry (for doping or for lying about it)? Was Mel Gibson sorry (for his anti-Semitic rants)? Was Chris Brown sorry (for beating up Rihanna)? Was Rush Limbaugh sorry (for suggesting Michael J. Fox was overdramatizing his Parkinsons)?
In each and every case, Im going with no. Someone told them to apologize to mitigate the damage to their reputation, not to make genuine amends with those theyd offended.
Maybe we crave apologies because were increasingly offended by everything. Maybe, I am going to suggest, we ought to just push on. Is a disingenuous apology really better than none at all?
Does Seth MacFarlane offend me? Sometimes – but I still think hes a pretty funny dude. Does Joan Rivers offend me? Not enough to stop watching her. I stopped listening to Rush Limbaugh years ago because I found him so offensive.
But none of them needs to apologize to me. If they offered, Id turn them down. If Im that offended, Ill just walk away.
Im sorry. I just dont need to ask for an apology.
