Lonesome times
- Michelle Wood: SWCD
- February 1, 2010
- 756
Many of us experience feelings of loneliness, especially after the holidays. November and December bustle with family gatherings, kids coming home, seeing grandchildren, or, if you are middle aged, visiting Mom and Dad, lots of attention and gifts and fun activities. Then January comes and isolation can occur, no matter what age you are.
Several years ago I wrote about loneliness and one reader, Clyde responded, “One problem I and many of my friends have had is inability to identify the feelings of loneliness [separate] from feelings of depression, as they seem almost identical in feelings.”
I had never quite thought about it that way. Clyde went on to talk about the Twelve Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous and how a number of the steps deal with the need to make amends and heal relationships. Clyde said that when relationships are good and positive, feelings of loneliness and isolation disappear.
“I was 27 years sober when I made full admission of my wrongs and neglect of my daughter; I committed to help her and her daughter as they were down and out from a nasty divorce, loss of business, and financial problems.” Clyde inferred that by reaching out and helping his daughter, he was able to feel less isolated and therefore less lonely—more connected, I would say.
How can you tell the difference between normal loneliness and depression? Carole Bennett is a woman who struggled with her family’s problems with substance abuse and addiction. After her marriage and career ended, she went into counseling and established a private practice, combining both academic learning with her own first hand practical experiences. She writes that addiction often starts from feeling lonely or depressed. “Turning to drugs or alcohol often appears as the easiest (though most damaging) fix one can turn to in an effort to take away that emotional pain.” (I would add, either kind of pain: loneliness or depression.)
She goes on to point out that feeling lonely or depressed are two very different sensations. If you are simply missing the company of others, you can try to do whatever it takes to be around people: joining organizations or groups, classes, or simply speaking to those around you. If you can’t bear the idea of doing whatever it takes to get into the company of others, that could either be a lack of knowledge or skills to do that, or physical isolation (you live too far). However, if the thought of trying to be around others leaves you paralyzed, then perhaps you are truly depressed and not just lonely.
The important thing is not to turn to alcohol or drugs when faced with these feelings. People talk about “self-medicating.” It is dangerous and foolhardy to truly try to self-medicate. But prescription drugs are another thing. I would not hesitate to take prescribed medicines for depression. Today, many younger clinically depressed clients express that they don’t feel there is much stigma attached to being on an antidepressant.
Bennett describes clinical depression as “having a depressed mood all day, diminished interest in pleasurable activities, significant weight loss, fatigue, loss of energy, even recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.”
If you are trying to sort out your own feelings of isolation, the “blues,” loneliness and deep depression, at least do this: talk to someone. Your pastor, a friend, a daughter or son, a parent. Make the effort to connect with others.
Lonesome times infer a coming and going of the feelings of loneliness and are completely normal, especially for elderly, living alone, or situations where a young mother or father is alone all day with small children. Or it could be an adolescent or child who feels they have no friends. I hope your feelings soon pass and if not, do get in touch with at least one other human being, no matter how hard that is.
For a free booklet, Journeying Through Loneliness, write to Another Way, Box 22, Harrisonburg, VA 22803, or melodied@ThirdWayMedia.org. (Include the name of your paper in your response.)
You can also visit Another Way on the Web at www.thirdway.com.
Melodie Davis is the author of seven books and has written Another Way since 1987. She and her husband have three adult daughters.