If I ever wrote an autobiography, I know what the title would be. Id call the masterpiece The End of the Roll.
I know this is a family column, but I just cant take it anymore. Please make sure your children arent anywhere nearby when you read this.
I have been seeking the answer to this all-important, life-changing question for most of my adult life. Why cant men change empty toilet paper rolls?
Im serious. If I had a dollar for every roll of toilet paper I have had to put on the holder, Id be a millionaire. I realize most humbly what that says about my digestive system. Nevertheless, Im willing to come out of the stall once and for all and say it like it is. Men have to be helpless if they cant change a roll of toilet paper.
Of course, never having been a regular in the womens restroom, I cant really know if the same is true on the skirted side of bathrooms. Ive privately asked my wife this touchy question, but she just stares at me in prolonged silence.
Ill just assume empty toilet paper rolls in female water closets are not a problem. If Im wrong, Im sure Ill hear about it.
But lets get back to the issue or should I say tissue at hand. Is it so difficult a task that men cant figure out how to take an empty cardboard roll off its holder and replace it with a new roll of TP?
Now I know not all toilet paper rolls are created equal. Shoot, some TP doesnt even come on a roll. Some holders dispense all too tiny pieces of thin paper that are, well, to be truthful, less than adequate for the job (please excuse the pun).
I will say though, that as long as the supply lasts, they have to be better than those European bidet units. The last thing I need is to be hosed down while reclining in a compromised position. And please dont try to imagine that either.
But I digress.
I mean how difficult is it to change a roll of toilet paper? These are the same men who rebuild diesel engines, send rockets to Mars, build an entire barn in a day, approve multimillion dollar budgets in the twinkling of an eye and climb sheer mountain cliffs with no ropes or safety harnesses.
Yet these same masculine minions are so inept they cant even unlatch an empty toilet paper tube from its holder, discard the spent roll, unwrap a fresh roll of toilet paper, slide it into place and secure the holder. It absolutely makes no sense.
Can you tell this is important to me? I mean I cant be the only thoughtful, regulated man on earth. But then again, maybe I am, given the number of times Ive had to install a new roll of TP.
This male ineptitude seems to be universal. It doesnt matter where the bathrooms are: church, businesses, rest areas, restaurants and even private homes. Ive replaced roll after roll wherever I go.
Maybe Im just too old-fashioned. Replacing empty toilet paper rolls with full ones just happens to be one of those important values instilled by my loving parents. Im sure they would be most proud of my TP obsession.
So men, please think about this the next time you reach the end of a roll. Thats especially true if it happens to be on April Fools Day.
To read more The Rural View, visit Bruce Stambaugh at www.holmesbargainhunter.com.
