Written when absolutely nothing else comes to mind
- col-dave-mast
- July 12, 2024
- 597
I have been accused of many things over my decades of life experience.
One of the most humbling is when people tell me they like what I wrote.
I appreciate it greatly when it does happen, and I usually respond with this simple statement:
“I just write like people around here talk.”
Having no former journalistic background, it’s the simple truth.
I don’t believe there is any reason to grind out massive jargon to impress people.
I’d much prefer to give them something thought-provoking, entertaining or heartwarming, developing words and phrases that are easily understood, like any typical fifth-grader could understand.
That’s about right up my alley.
However, if there is anyone out there looking for a little more glitz and glamour in their reading, wait no longer, because I have a story for you.
So without further ado, here it comes …
As I invested in my daily aergle-bargle, I gazed up through the abat-jour, pausing to take a bibble and nosh on some mixed nuts.
With no real thoughts coming to mind, I was bumfuzzled as I stroked the caffoy of my perch.
My intentions for this column were eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious, but with nothing in particular coming to mind, my tendency toward finifugal made me quite aware my trepidation was causing a pain in my hallux.
My keyboard mocked me in silence.
What was I to do, with no idea forthcoming? Would I simply turn to jabberwock?
Nay, I will not bend to such brevity.
Instead, my intentions turned toward jentacular obsessions.
“I will not kowtow to my longings for French toast!” I said with great lamprophony. “I am largiloquent!”
My mind flashed back to my computer screen, which stared blankly back at me.
Kakorrhaphiophobia began to set in.
My neck throbbed and my brain felt as though it was saccadic.
I had experienced this same lack of clarity nudiustertian. It was time to mabble.
“I should have written enough to fill a quire by now,” I thought to myself.
I stroked the nainsook of my shirt sleeve.
“Enough of this taradiddle!”
A thought crept into my mind. I hammered out some lines, my computer screen filling with letters and words of which I could barely understand myself.
My fingers flew across the keyboard, my mind ablaze with thoughts.
I had done it.
Perspiration drained off my forehead, my hands sweaty and throbbing from overuse.
I grabbed the vessel next to me and quickly xertz its content.
There were words on the computer screen, no doubt about.
Exactly what they mean, I wasn’t certain.
Oh well, perhaps a quality column would come to me tomorrow.
OK, if you muscled through that nonsensical gibberish, I commend you for staying the course. I will admit I laughed heartily throughout as I crafted a simple story out of words no human being should ever consider using.
They are words that can be found in the dictionary, although I doubt many of you use them, and if you do, chances are really good we don’t hang around in the same circles.
I will stick with the simpler words in life, words I can pronounce and words others can actually understand.
For I believe it is those types of words that have brought me to be the journalist I am today, for better or worse.
Thanks for your patience if you’ve made it to this point.
I commend you.
Now if you want to gain a little more insight into exactly what went down in the above story, here’s a little cheat sheet for you to peruse as you wonder why you wasted so much time on such a silly thing:
—Argle-bargle: copious but meaningless talk or writing.
—Abat-jour: skylight or device to direct light into a room.
—Bibble: to drink often; to eat and/or drink noisily.
—Bumfuzzle: confused, perplexed.
—Caffoy: velvety fabric.
—Eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious: very good, very fine.
—Finifugal: afraid of finishing anything.
—Hallux: big toe.
—Jabberwock: nonsense, gibberish.
—Jentacular: pertaining to breakfast.
—Lamprophony: speaking in loud and clear tones.
—Largiloquent: full of words.
—Kakorrhaphiophobia: fear of failure.
—Saccadic: jerky; twitching.
—Nudiustertian: the day before yesterday.
—Mabble: to wrap up.
—Quire: two dozen sheets of paper.
—Nainsook: fine cotton fabric.
—Taradiddle: pretentious nonsense.
—Xertz: to gulp down quickly and greedily.