Holiday issues: unfulfilled expectations, custody disputes can lead to domestic downturn

  • Shelly Webb
  • December 8, 2010
  • 235
                        
According to Every Woman's House Clinical Director, Gina Patterson, Psy.D., the holiday season can present an opportunity for an abusive person to have power and control over another person even after separation or divorce. “One of the ways to do this is through manipulation of visitation or custody,” Patterson said. “We often see this during the holidays.” Patterson says the holidays can be a stressful time for many families especially during economic hardships. In some cases the stress and pressure becomes too much too handle. “There is often societal pressure to have that “perfect Hallmark card” holiday that no family can live up to,” Patterson pointed out. “For many families, finances can be a strain especially with many people experiencing lay-offs and reductions of pay this year. Also, there may be disagreements on where to spend the holidays and stressors with other family members where there may be a history of conflict.” Not only are these situations difficult for parents and family members, but children can be impacted in a big way as well. Patterson said it’s important for parents to not argue in front of children because this can cause long term problems. “Most children have a desire for intact families whether they articulate this or not,” she explained. “Separation and divorce are very stressful for children. Most children want to please both parents and want love and acceptance from both parents. Children are also very egocentric. For children, the world revolves around them. So, if parents are arguing, many times children will blame themselves for the arguing. Although, divorce and separation are difficult for children, research indicates that conflict is worse. It’s very important for parents to not have arguments in front of the children or to have the children choose which parent they spend time with.” In addition to helping your child cope with a separation, Patterson thinks it’s important that children see their parent’s problem-solve and compromise and not try to “win.” “It’s important to continue many family traditions that the child is used to although they may be altered with divorce or separation,” she added. “It is important for parents to put their children’s needs ahead of their own needs.” While deciding where and when children will spend the holidays is one aspect of tension, alcohol can ignite an entire new set of circumstances especially during the holidays. “Alcohol tends to be present at many holiday functions and although alcohol does not directly cause domestic violence or child abuse it certainly can be a factor,” Patterson said. “The excessive use of alcohol can change people’s temperament and lower inhibitions which can escalate violence.” And while most people are under the impression that child abuse only occurs in a ‘physical’ nature, the truth is verbal abuse is more prevalent, and sometimes just as harmful as physical abuse. “Verbal abuse is absolutely more prevalent than physical abuse,” Patterson said. “For generations many of us grew up with the adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!” However, we now know through research that verbal abuse is just as damaging and sometimes more damaging to children. The short and long-term effects of child abuse include, but are not limited to: depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, behavioral problems, substance abuse problems, and school problems. It’s important for parents to remember that our children take us very seriously and our words can do a lot of damage.” Patterson offered a few tips for parents to focus on during the holidays in an attempt to enjoy the season and make happy memories with their children. She said first of all, it’s important to have realistic expectations about your family situation and the holidays. It’s also important to put your children’s needs ahead of your own and don’t focus on the exact number of hours or days you get to spend with your child, instead focus on the quality of that time. “Also practice good self-care,” she said. “Take time for yourself so that you are less stressed and more patient and try not to expose your children to intense conflict.” You can give your child a great many happy memories during the holidays, but you have to control your own behavior and put their interest first. If anyone has questions or needs domestic advice they can contact Every Woman’s House at 330-674-1020.


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