Hoping for Healing: Survivors of Sexual Abuse Speak Out
By Denice Rovira Hazlett
April 20, 2011
285
Summary: Local men and women speak candidly about their experiences of childhood sexual abuse and how it has affected their work, their relationships, and the way see themselves today.
(Italicize this paragraph) The subject matter and content of this article is not suitable for children and might be disturbing to some readers. All people in the article live and work in Holmes and Wayne counties, though their names, locations and some details have been changed to protect their privacy.
Anna pauses for long moments before speaking. She is not hesitant to talk about what happened. She has waited long enough, she says. She's more worried about protecting those she loves, keeping them from hurt. Aside from one close friend and a brief visit with a counselor, Anna has never told anyone what she endured behind the closed doors of the home she cleaned for a young couple and their small children. And it all began when she was just eleven years old.
Rickie has talked openly with friends and counselors about the sexual abuse she experienced beginning at age six. Her perpetrator was her biological sister, three years older and likely also sexually abused by their biological father during weekend visitations to his apartment. Rickie and her sister spent days amidst pornography, alcohol and marijuana use, often surviving weekends alone on a half-gallon of juice and a bag of potato chips.
Parker's parents were happily married and had just welcomed their second child. His mother had carefully sought a bright, busy preschool run by a religiously conservative couple. It wasn't until the male owner was arrested and sent to prison that Parker's parents discovered that Parker and dozens of other children had been sexually abused by the teacher they had trusted.
Jennys family never discussed sex. She was sixteen when her father confronted her about her sexual orientation, admitting her to a pediatric psychiatric ward to cure her homosexuality. A male patient, taking advantage of the inattentive staff and lack of security, entered her room and raped her. To this day, she fears men and is unable to fully enjoy intimacy. She had only been in the psychiatric ward for one day.
These heartbreaking stories are as varied as the people who have endured them, but each survivor experiences feelings of guilt, self-blame, and a fear that they are not who they would have been had the abuse never taken place.
One common theme runs through these and other childhood sexual abuse cases. About 71% of child sex offenders are trusted by the victim--a family member, babysitter, doctor, or teacher. Most prey on their victims compassions, natural curiosities, and fears. The Amish preteen is lured with fancy dresses and shopping trips. The preschooler is offered an opportunity to skip nap-time. The little sister is delighted to tag along. The victim is often kept quiet with threats. Everyone will blame them. They'll lose relationships with loved ones. The abuse is their own fault.
Anna remembers the first time she was victimized by an adult family friend, a situation in which she felt trapped and without choice for several years.
"I remember understanding that this was what it felt like when time stands still.
She didn't tell anyone about the ongoing rapes. Anna is not alone. Many children don't report sexual abuse because they are afraid of hurting their families, the abuser or feel they deserve the abuse.
"He told me that he just couldn't help himself because I was so beautiful. I thought I should be flattered that an older man was showing interest in me," said Anna.
According to the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress, Anna's feelings are common. Often, the victim loves and protects the perpetrator or feel that they are special. It may be the only attention or physical contact they receive in their lives.
For Anna, the abuse ended when she determined to make herself completely unavailable.
"I realized that I had to do something. I simply made it more and more difficult for him to come into contact with me. I intentionally gained weight and wore baggy clothes to make myself unattractive."
Rickie, like other victims of incest, has a strained relationship with family members and struggles with feelings of mistrust, fear, and betrayal. She questions her sexuality and, for many years, lived a promiscuous lifestyle. Studies show that female victims often do this in an effort to overcome the situation and prove to themselves that they are in control.
Childhood sexual abuse takes many forms and occurs when a child of any age, including teens, is exploited by anyone older or more powerful than they are, involving anything from exposing the child to pornographic materials to forcing them to watch or engaging them in sexual acts. Whether the incident happens over a period of years or just once, the effects can last a lifetime. Jenny's experience has haunted her for fifteen years, though it ended in minutes.
"Some people say they have an out-of-body experience. I was in there somewhere but couldn't find a voice. It was like I was trying to leave my body and couldn't. To this day, I can't stand to be touched."
Jenny's physiological struggles are accompanied by feelings of guilt for not prosecuting the rapist. At the time, she was overwhelmed by the process of interviews and legal proceedings. She just wanted it all to end. Now she worries that she allowed him to victimize others. Most abusers molest an average of 117 children, most of who never report the offense.
"I remember the officers saying that he'd probably done this before. It hit me later that I could have prevented him from victimizing someone else. Now, I feel guilty because I didn't."
Sadly, Anna, Rickie, Parker and Jenny are far from alone. There are more than 60 million childhood sexual abuse survivors in the United States today. Some struggle with fear, depression, anger, hostility, inappropriate sexual behavior, poor self esteem, substance abuse or difficulty with close relationships, yet every victim reacts and copes differently, and each victim's story is their own.
Anna has chosen not to prosecute her offender who now lives in her community. She still worries about protecting others from hurt.
Rickie is estranged from her sister and struggles with her sexuality. She is an interpreter for Spanish speakers who have been sexually abused and assaulted.
Parker and his mother have talked about the abuse that occurred more than thirty years ago. Parker's mother strives to tell others about the warning signs of sexual abuse.
Jenny has sought counseling and works to help others who are suffering from sexual abuse and assault. She has three children with whom she talks openly about sexual issues.
They hope that in sharing their stories, others who have experienced or are experiencing sexual abuse will find solidarity and the strength to seek assistance. Counseling can help victims overcome the negative and false perceptions of themselves so they can move forward.
"Don't struggle to remain the person you once were, said Anna. That innocence is lost. Instead, allow yourself to become new again, and celebrate in the stronger person you will be."
